Yes, you read that right. This blog is about bitching and complaining. It is mostly about ALS, the bitch in my life, but a few other things may slip in. I am after all a born and bred New Yorker, so it’s a given that I am going to complain. If you don’t like complaining, don’t read any further. I am not about to change now. There are lots of things to complain about with ALS, and I’m taking the opportunity to put it all out there.
Disclaimer: These complaints are not directed toward any specific person, but even so, names will be changed to protect the guilty.
This is a big one. It may actually be the only real issue because not being able to express even the smallest desire is a huge frustration.
I live with my husband who has hearing loss and wears hearing aids, most of the time. So communication has always been an issue. I was always being reprimanded for talking to him from another room instead of face to face. That was a difficult thing for me to get used to since he was the first hearing impaired person I really knew. Heck, in my childhood home we would yell to each other from one floor to another. So, of course, it’s Murphy’s Law that I should lose the ability to speak and make our communication even more difficult. I spent about six weeks reading 1600 nonsensical phrases so I could have a synthetic voice that would sound like me. I now have a speech device that Medicare paid $16,000 for, and guess what? He can’t understand my synthetic voice on it. Murphy, again.
We used to say that as we got older, we could learn sign language to add to our ability to speak to one another. Damn you, Murphy. I can’t use my arms and hands very well.
I have my speech device which is a Tobii Dynavox. I just call it my Toby. I took it with me to the hospital where no one had the time to wait for me to type my responses. So I was essentially voiceless. I take the effort to practice so I can be faster at communicating and there is always something to annoy me. For example:
1) Toby quits in the middle of a sentence I have been painstakingly writing;
2) People are on to another discussion before I can fully respond;
3) As I type sometimes people will read the screen and try to anticipate what I am saying (sometimes this is OK, but it takes away privacy of prior conversations because of its predictivity function. I really don’t want people to see “I need the bed pan” when I was writing “I need some help.”)
4) I attempt to use the dwell-free keyboard which is faster and doesn’t appear on the screen until I want it to, but if I make an eyegaze mistake, it takes longer to correct and, therefore, longer to speak;
5) People don’t really understand what Toby said, but don’t bother to ask for clarification. To me this seems like they are not interested in communicating.
The worst times for me are when I am asked questions that require more than the nod of my head, which I can still do right now, and Toby is packed away or out of my sight. If I notice something important or need something, I am helpless. These instances occur frequently during bathing and dressing.
Constantly feeling itchy is an extreme annoyance. I cannot reach very far so lots of these feelings must be ignored. Mind over matter, or in this case itches, does not always work. I can feel loose hairs on my skin like bugs crawling on me. My pleas to remove them bring snickers from Barney. A real annoyance.
Burning sensations from pressure occur at times. I feel the burning in my feet at least once again daily. I used to experience burning in the heels of my feet almost every night. Fortunately, this situation seems to be under control with the use of many, many pillows. In fact, our bedroom has become overrun by pillows.
PBA or pseudo-bulbar affect is the nemesis of my relationships. I know many people are put off by it. It is hard on me and hard on people who are witness to it. I was never an emotional person and now I start crying at the drop of a hat. Sometimes it’s because I’m upset or frustrated. At other times I’m just overwhelmed by the emotion of the moment. Thankfully, medication has helped control it a lot, but a little bit lingers behind. It makes it hard to breathe. I hate it!
Where have some of those old relationships gone? I’m dying and you can’t say you’re sorry? Did I piss you off? Let me know if you want to reconnect. I can apologize too. I will be dead a long time and I won’t be back.
I have now signed up for hospice. It should begin this week, right in time for my trip to Washington, DC, for ALS Advocacy Day. Hospice isn’t a prison. They actually expect me to live my life before it’s over. How long I will be on hospice will depend on my respiratory system. While on hospice (which is at home by the way) I will get a weekly visit from a hospice nurse and 2-3 CNA visits a week. I will also have a case manager. Medications will be monitored and provided through hospice as well. When I travel, I get information on a local hospice to contact, if necessary. If you have ALS, look into palliative care or hospice, and find out when it is appropriate and how it works with the insurance you have. It can give your caregiver some help.
Getting hospice on a predictable schedule seems like that will be my next complaint. Can’t things be planned in advance? Don’t call at 3 pm to come give me a shower. I like to plan things ahead. Most of my funeral plans are finalized. There’s just one date I can’t schedule. So get with the program, already! Please and dammit!